It turns out I'm an idiot and that Alpaca never was trying to dis me, but actually have just been busy. I jumped the gun and assumed things were ways in which they were not. Last year a made a commitment to not ever touch the booking stuff in the band. Its because I get all emo. I'm in a jam band, not an emo band. And I can't believe I got to a point in which I became so negative. I hope in my next blog I can talk about how everything is going great and I learned from my experience. I'm at my radio show right now. My brother is coming over to let me use the KORG. I SHALL STAY FAR FROM THE NET IN TERMS OF GETTING EMOTIONAL OVER CONSPIRACIES!

This is a hard post for even myself to read. this is a disclaimer. I wrote thispost when I felt on the bottom. Like shit. So much evil was in my heart.n It makes me sad when I get this way. I learned though from this. I see how my brain over reacts and I turn into a very negative person. If you think you know what people are thinking, then you are already entering a realm of thinking you know something when you really do not. I started seeing the negative in myself and in others. i became a full on hater. Talking way shit. I could excuse it by saying I was emotional, but I am just flat out sorry. I apologize. I really freaked myself on this one. Can I make myself a better person? Can I not be what I hate the most? i hope so. I really do love, so why is it that I can start to be the ultimate hater? Why do I let myself go there? Its like I could not control myself from hating. i used hate to make myself feel better about myself. It was wrong and evil. I do not want to be evil. I must not even get evil when someone does do something hurtful to me, in which no one did anything of the sort in this incident that got me so out of control. i'm happy I have this blog so I can look back an analyze myelf when im in a differen't state of mind. I am done booking.... It makes me crazy.... Really does. makes me turn into dr. evil. Dr. I can't think positive.
In the music world and in general, YOU GOTTA BE ABLE TO TAKE A HIT, you can not cry and throw a tantrum like a little kid. Very uncool and unprofessional.



It's been a few days since my last blog. Maybe more than a few. But things are getting better, I think at least maybe. Sometimes people can hurt your feelings, and instead of getting bad karma points, they seem to get more cool guy points. But if some want to have a heart of evil, then I am glad to be uncool and have a heart of pure good. I do not wanna blow the planet up by using the faults as points to nuke. I swear, its hard being so weird sometimes. I'm like the weirdest person ever it seems like. Not weird weird, but weird to a point in which some might be surprised that I have been what I do. I am skinny, funny, sometimes shy, sometimes extroverted. I've never been a lot kid, I have been a lot analyst. I was at the Dead shows when I was 15. Some have been there earlier, some have never gone. I met Kurt Cobain, I dated semi celebrities, I've toured, I've made some cool music, I have a beautiful wife/fiancee' and the coolest kid on the planet.... So why do I get so down on myself? Recently I had some younger cool lot kid hippies, ones that look like real life ghetto lot kids, invite me to play there house, and to set up a show with one of their friends bands. Then I try to set up the show.... I feel like I wasted my time and lowered my self esteem by trying to put this show together. I emailed the band and they never wrote me back, and you can see that someone has read the message I sent them. So why would they not write back? Obviously its because they do not want to play with us? But why? Is it because they do not like our music? Are we not cool enough? Do we not get enough people to our shows? And why is it that these kids that are friends with the band not tell me straight up? Probably because they do not want to hurt my feelings. So I get all upset over nothing. So now my evil side comes out. I just wanted to create unity and spread everyones music and put on an awesome show. WTF? Maybe they hate all my whiny messages, maybe one dude slept with someone in our band and has hard feelings? I do not know because they do not talk. I will be hurt for no reason, and now I just gotta believe in myself and keep up the hard work of making original music. I gotta love my friends. And they want to play with High Ceiling? WTF? Why not play with them and us? I would never deny a band to play with us, especially one in a similar genre. And if I was to deny a band, I would let them know why. I would never just ignore someone. Unless they are being an asshole. Or are they just waiting to get back to me when they figure everything out? And why is it I do not think so.... I love High Ceiling.... There show at the Virtual Meadow was a good turn out. Yet, It's bad decisions that get you destroyed. Just make the art and fuck the fuckheads that think they know what they are doing especially if Im the fuck head.

I know there is some things I wanted to retouch on from the last blog, but I shall save that for later. So its crazy how things work, and how more people means more famous people?? Possibly so. Whaever happened to the days that only local legends were in the monds of the locals. Now we have technology and we know more exsists out of our own tribes. Shit, tribes almost do not exsist in the same way they used to. I live next to 4 houses and I really never ever kic it with any of them. I am qurious about all the hate I've seen lately. I feel for Sarah Larson in a way.. I mean, I saw it coming, but didn't. I knew that she might oo be in a similar situation I am in, in which she was Clooney's girlfriend, and had access to his kitchen, money, games, cars, lifestyle... But all that could be gone in a second. Was she just kicked out of dudes house? Then I see a statement from her friend, which I never seen or heard of before, and the friend tells E Channel that it was a shoke to her and now she just is hard at work. Hard at work with what? Modeling gigs she got because she dated Clooney. It must be weird to show up to something like a super pimp photo shoot and then everyone at the shoot is like, "hows Clooney" and she is like, uh, we broke up. What if that would of happened before the 100 most beautiful people photoshoot for People Magazine? Would she still got the gig? So now she's gotta figure out how to work this one for herself. HOpe she doesn't talk to News of The World. Now she can know how it feels to be in a similar situation as I. I still hope for the best, and unlike Chris Altenburg, I am not a hater that uses words to try to be supreme. I sent him an email and dude is still talking about Leslie. I tried being nice to the dude, but within 3 emails with Chris, aka Genius, he was already talking shit about people we know. I just heard from some weirdo on the net that you can screw people over to get to the top. Well, to me that is a way non conscience way to look at things. Very human. To me, we are just human, and just as relevant as the air we breathe, as the food we eat, as the things we see..... Who cares if you make it or not, and what is making it? Its all opinion, and happiness is achieved without fame and fortune. I think that you can get to a very comfortable point in any career and stay loyal and non shadey the whole way. I really have wrote some long complicated songs, and I believe that if I try and stay true and honest with my fellow musicians and fans, that all these complicated songs will be accomplished and finally performed to an audience. I think that if I stay untrue and become shadey that the songs might never come true, never be performed. I might seem shadey to some, but inside I know I stand true, and therefore I am here another day to do a band practice and get one step closer to playing Masonik 1-7. A-Kamp played Masonik 2 live, and Z Kamp played Masonik 1. Why could these not of happened in the past? I'm not sure. Will they happen in the future? Not sure. But one thing I do know is this; if i do meth, smoke crack, cheat on my wife, ignore my kid, lie to band mates, skip practice, do not follow through on shows, argue with others, pick on others, think I am better than others, complain too much, smoke too much herbs, tell lies, steal etc... oh yeah, not be myself.... then the band will fall apart, my life will fall apart. So Flowmotion gots Blake Lewis playing Meltdown. I knew I sw Lewis at Meltdown a few years ago, but was not sure if it was him, but know I know it was. I met Blake in 2003. He was good, he did like some weird beat box thing and was selling his CD at the show. But this will not make Flowmotion big, this will be extra stories in their history as a band. Just like Sarah will not make me famous, just add to my story. What we all love about music varies from person to person. What I noticed is that the more you try(making art) the more stuff(art) happens, and then the more you try(to get famous) the less art is being made, unless you make an art form out of trying to get famous. But my point is this, sometimes things just happen and there is nothing anyone can do about it. And lets say my whacky buns gets big somehow, will I remember who was nice and not nice? Who lied and did not lie? Will it matter at ll what I think even if I believe I am famous? No, not at all.Things just kinda happen, and who knows,.... thats a quote from Donald Rumsfeld. All I know is this, I wanted to make a band work and be grand like my favorite bands. This was a mission from my first show in 1993 at the Mira Loma Sophomore Flower APrty with the Latex Babies. Then you see yourself getting older and things not taking form like you knew they would. But then an artist comes to a point where they ask themself.... "I am not making money, I am not famous, and its very cometitive, what should I do??? Then you get a girl pregnant, then you get on hard drugs, then you lose your day job.... What should you do? Well its not all that bad. I am lucky to have met Shannon. BUt back to my random point, I had to ask myself what is up, what I want to do, what am a trying to do, what is my idea? Who am I? Is this in vain? The answer I came up with was complex. I am a human, I lay music,its all I really know. I've made money here in there, but nothing to pay rent... It even got really complicated when my wife aka fiancee asked ouselves this last month... I am HUMAN, I am a flower, I have the power. It's what I do, its no joke, and it might be in vain, but if that who I am then I need to improve and focus and do it correct. Figure it out, find musicians and keep trying. I play music, its wahat I do, I do not know anything else, so I better make it work, but balance it without the grandure of making it big. First try making it small. Fisrt analyse where your at, look into the buisness aspect, because once its making money it can go longer... Well I guess it can go forever even without money, for example, I could play guitar on the streets with the homeless forever until I die and they could be my fans and I could be my own fan and that that. Or I can see if I too can get the music done how I hear it in my head. Do not beat yourself up. Every human falls and can get back up. Do not get discourages, even when your random thoughts seem to be the most discouraging.lol But I figure that If I pulled it together, analyze and make a plan and remeber I am myself and no one else and my story will never be Phish's story, it will never be NWA's story, it will never be Obama's story, it will be the Pizza T story and to let it be. Try hard, but do not fool yourself. Keep up the hard work and finding people that I can tell honestly, " I wanna tour all next summer, I wanna play all 17 minutes of Terrapin Station, I wanna play Masonik Jam 3, I wanna wanna wanna, AREYOU WITH ME TEAM? And then they answer yea or na.... Then you work from there, you might need to fire and hire, but thats my story. Its weird, its differen't its me! And I love me, I love U2, and you too. Do not be mad for you are not where you think you deserve to be, remember that little kids in Iraq are innocently killed by Americans just so we can have War bases all around Iran. How about putting yourself in the shoes of a five year old girl that has about half a second before a peice of metal rips her face off and dies a dies a slow death that takes about half an hour. What about her? What about that? We have it good. I could die now and I believe I was spoiled rotten. THAK YOU WHAEVER IT IS OUT THERE. I am in love with what you givin me and it hurts that someday I will die, but thats apart of life. And I am thakful that I am breathing as we speak, I am thknful that I even got the chance to rock out for a crowd in my life. Thats what I love. I love the audience connection with the performance. So just let things happen naturally with the combination of hard work and creativety, alongslide a little bit of copying. hats what school is, RE LEARNING what someone had to discover on their own. Can we too discover something to? You might.... My plan now is to keep trying. Its only right to do what you love, as long as you do not get made at the ones that love you for you not getting where you think you should be, because if you think you should be somewhere, then most likely you hould be standing side by side with the little girl in Iraq being killed for oil and power. No one deserves soemthing, we earn something, and even then it can be taken without any notice. Live every breathe with thanks. I too get caught up in the game, but you gotta not be made at yourself for getting caught, just recatch yourself while your fallin and get back to work.